Why do check-ins go so wrong so often?
Why do betraying partners avoid initiating them?
And what exactly is the purpose of a check-in?
My colleagues and I hear these questions frequently from couples who struggle with the check-in process. For many, check-ins become so frustrating that both partners eventually begin to wonder whether they are doing more harm than good.
But check-ins can be extremely valuable. When done correctly, they can help create greater emotional safety, rebuild trust, and move a couple toward repair. The problem is that many betraying partners approach check-ins without understanding what they are designed to accomplish.
“It’s just not worth it,” said Kendall, who had several emotional affairs with coworkers and struggled with pornography. “Every time Betsy and I do a check-in, it ends in disaster. I get angry, she starts crying, and then we don’t talk to each other for several days. I don’t see any benefit in doing this stupid exercise.”
Kendall’s frustration is understandable, but his conclusion is wrong. The problem is not the check-in itself. The problem is that Kendall does not understand its primary purpose.
A check-in helps the betrayed partner feel safer by allowing her to:
Know how her partner is doing with his sobriety
Understand what he is learning through his recovery work
And, most importantly, understand what is going on between his ears
What do I mean by that? I knew you would ask, so let me explain this little secret.
When you were acting out, you kept your partner in the dark. She knew little or nothing about your secret activities. When something did not seem right, she may have questioned herself, made excuses for you, or believed explanations that were not true.
Think about what that experience taught her. There were things happening inside your life that directly affected her, yet she had no access to them. She was left in the dark.
Now fast-forward to today. You are in recovery, but her heart is broken. Perhaps shattered is a better word. You are trying to move forward despite the emotional distress and tension between you. But in many ways, she still feels as though she is in the dark.
Yes, you may tell her about your recovery work. You may report that you have remained sober. You may tell her whether you experienced temptations or triggers. But those things alone do not necessarily tell her what is happening between your ears.
She may not understand what you are worried about or what is frightening you
She may be unaware of where you feel overwhelmed, insecure, or discouraged
She may not see when you are flooded with crippling shame or emotionally exhausted
And most importantly, she may have no idea what you are doing to manage these troubling feelings in healthy ways
That matters because, for many people who have engaged in problematic sexual behaviors, acting-out was connected in some way to an inability to recognize, tolerate, or regulate emotional distress.
So, when a check-in begins and she asks, “How are you doing?” do you tell her:
“I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure lately, and I’ve noticed it is affecting my sleep.”
“I’m concerned that all the recovery work I’m doing is making it harder for me to stay focused at work.”
“I’ve been worried about relapsing, and I’m noticing that fear makes me want to withdraw.”
“I felt ashamed after our conversation yesterday, and my first impulse was to shut down. Instead, I called my sponsor and worked through it.”
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, and I can see how in the past I would have tried to escape those feelings rather than deal with them.”
Or is your response: “I’m fine. I haven’t had any temptations. I haven’t been triggered. Are we done?” That is not a meaningful check-in. But I did not need to tell you that.
A check-in occurs when your partner can walk away from the conversation with a clearer understanding of what is happening between your ears. In other words, the goal is not simply to report your behavior. It is to become emotionally visible and let her in.
From Secrecy to Visibility
For years, secrecy may have protected your acting-out behavior. Recovery requires moving in the opposite direction. You are learning to allow another person to see the real you. This does not mean dumping every thought or emotion onto your partner. Nor does it mean she becomes responsible for regulating your emotions.
The purpose is to eliminate the emotional hiding that helped make betrayal possible. Your partner should gradually begin to experience something very different from what she experienced during the years of deception:
“I know this man. I know what he is thinking about. I know what he is struggling with. I know what he is doing when life becomes difficult. I no longer have to constantly guess what is happening inside of him.”
That growing sense of visibility helps create safety, which is essential because betrayal trauma produces hypervigilance. Your partner’s nervous system learned that what appeared to be true was not always true. She may therefore scan your mood, your behavior, your phone, your facial expressions, your schedule, and your words looking for information.
She is trying to answer a frightening question: “Is there something happening that I don’t know about?” A healthy check-in helps answer that question before she has to ask it.
It’s Also Practice for You
There is another purpose behind check-ins that betraying partners sometimes overlook. They teach you how to become emotionally mature.
Many men can report facts but struggle to communicate their emotional experience. Ask them what happened during the day, and they can give you a detailed account based on facts. Ask them what they felt during the day and suddenly the conversation becomes much more difficult.
You must learn to notice what is happening within you, put words to it, tolerate uncomfortable emotions, and communicate those emotions without running, hiding, minimizing, becoming defensive, or demanding that someone make you feel better. That is emotional intimacy.
A good check-in, therefore, is not simply something you do for her. It is something that helps you change. Each time you identify what you are feeling, explain what triggered it, describe the thoughts running through your mind, and share how you are responding to those emotions in healthier ways, you are strengthening emotional muscles that may have been weak for years.
Why You Should Want to Check In
Here is something I want betraying partners to understand: you should not have to be chased down to do a check-in. You should want to do it.
Why? Because every time you voluntarily open up and tell your partner what is going on between your ears, you give her something she desperately needs, greater emotional safety.
Remember, betrayal forced her to live in a world where important information was hidden from her. She did not know what you were thinking, what you were doing, what you were struggling with, or what decisions you were making behind the scenes.
So, when she must repeatedly ask you to check in, remind you to share, or pull information out of you, it can reinforce the dynamic that caused so much damage in the first place. Once again, she is responsible for finding out what she does not know.
Recovery should reverse that pattern.
Instead of waiting for her to find you, you go toward her. Initiate the check-in and open the door to your internal world without making her knock first.
You say you want her to heal. This is one of the ways you can actively participate in that healing. Each time you initiate a meaningful check-in, you provide another small piece of evidence that you are becoming safer and that the relationship is changing.
That is why I want betraying partners to stop viewing check-ins as something they have to do because their partner or therapist requires it. Instead, begin seeing them as an opportunity to help repair what you broke.
You cannot erase the years when she was kept in the dark. But today, you can make a deliberate decision to turn on the lights.
After years of living with secrets and uncertainty, one of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is informative check-ins so she no longer has to guess what is going on between your ears.
Dr. Eddie Capparucci serves on the C-SASI board and is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors, has a private practice with his wife, Teri is Gunter, TX. He can be reached at innerchildmodel@gmail.com.